Martin a de si mauvaises notes que ses parents décident de le retirer de l'école publique, pour le mettre dans une école catholique réputée, très, très stricte.

Dès son premier bulletin, ils découvrent stupéfaits et heureux, que leur fils a récolté des notes presque parfaites dans toutes les matières.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Ils l'interrogent et le garçon répond :

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               " Quand je suis entré dans la classe et que j'ai vu qu'ils en avaient cloué un sur une croix, j'ai immédiatement compris qu'ici, les profs ne rigolaient pas !"

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Un homme entre dans la douche au moment précis où sa femme en sort, lorsque la sonnerie retentit à la porte de leur maison. La femme s'enroule dans une serviette de toilette, descend les escaliers en courant et va ouvrir la porte d'entrée. C'est Laurent, le voisin de palier. Avant qu'elle n'ait pu dire un mot, il lui lance :
"Je te donne 800 € immédiatement si tu laisses tomber la serviette qui te couvre".
Elle réfléchit à toute vitesse et décide de laisser tomber la serviette. Il l'admire, puis lui tend 800 €. Un peu éberluée, mais contente de la petite fortune qu'elle vient de se faire en un clin d'oeil, elle remonte dans la salle de bain. Son mari, encore sous la douche, lui demande :
"C'était qui ?
- C'était Laurent.
- Super, il t'a rendu les 800 € qu'il me devait" ?

 
C'est un couple âgé qui est étendu dans le lit, un soir ...
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Le mari veut s'endormir, mais l'épouse se sent plutôt romantique et a d'autres intentions ...
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Elle lui dit : "Tu avais l'habitude de me tenir la main quand nous étions plus jeunes" ... Le mari lui donne la main, mais ne veut que s'endormir.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Elle rajoute : " Et tu avais l'habitude de m'embrasser"  ... Un peu irrité, il s'approcha et lui donna un petit baiser sur la joue, puis il se retourna pour se rendormir.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Un peu plus tard, elle lui dit : "Et parfois tu aimais bien me mordiller dans le cou aussi " ... Soudain, le mari repousse les couvertures et se lève !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Surprise, elle lui demande où il va ?
Il lui répond : "Chercher mes dents ma chérie ...  chercher mes dents" !!!

Dans un lotissement, une dame, tenant une tasse à la main, sonne à la porte d'une de ses voisines.

- Qu'est-ce que vous venez encore m'emprunter, s'emporte celle-ci  : du sucre, du sel, de la farine ... ?

- Non, non, rassurez-vous, avec tout ce que je vous ai emprunté ces derniers temps, j'ai tout ce qu'il me faut pour la cuisine.

 En revanche, je suis un peu juste pour payer l'EDF. Pourriez-vous me prêter une tasse de pièces de 2 euros ?  (s'il vous plaît  ... c'est en option !)

Un cambrioleur passe devant le portail d'une maison où est inscrit  :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         "ATTENTION, perroquet méchant !!!"
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  S'ils S'ils imaginent impressionner le monde, avec leur perroquet méchant - pense-t-il - ils font une grave erreur !!!   Et il pénètre dans la maison ...                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Une fois à l'intérieur, il aperçoit le fameux perroquet méchant et lui dit  :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              - Mon pauvre ami, tu ne sers vraiment pas à grand chose !!!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Alors à A ce moment là, le perroquet se met à hurler  :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               -- Brruutus  :  Attaques ... Brruutuus !!!