Quatre amis passent des semaines à planifier une sortie en forêt pour chasser et pêcher. Deux jours avant le départ, la femme de Frank lui interdit d’y aller, scène de ménage à l’appui. Les trois autres sont très agacés mais ils ne peuvent rien faire !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Deux jours après, ils arrivent sur le site où ils doivent camper et trouvent Frank, assis là près de sa tente, ayant empilé du bois et faisant cuire du poisson sur le feu.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Un de ses amis lui demande : – Mais depuis quand t’es là ? Et comment t’as fait pour convaincre ta femme de te laisser venir ?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Frank répond : – Je suis là depuis hier soir.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Hier après-midi, j’étais assis dans mon fauteuil, ma femme est venue derrière moi,et m’a demandé : « Devine qui c’est ? » en posant ses mains sur mes yeux. Quand je me suis retourné, je l’ai vue dans une nuisette hyper sexy.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Elle m’a pris par la main et m’a emmené dans la chambre où brûlaient au moins douze bougies, des pétales de roses un peu partout, et même une bouteille de champagne avec deux verres. Et sur le lit, il y avait des menottes et des cordes !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Alors elle m’a demandé de la menotter et de l’attacher au lit, ce que j’ai fait ...                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Elle m’a dit : « Et maintenant, fais ce que tu veux »  - Et donc me voilà !

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Gérard est sur le point d’aller au lit lorsque son épouse lui dit qu’il a oublié d’éteindre la lumière du garage.  

Un magasin qui vend de nouveaux maris vient juste d’ouvrir à New York City.
 

A l’entrée du magasin, on y découvre une brève description sur la manière dont fonctionne le magasin :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Vous n’avez le droit qu’à une seule visite. Il y a 6 étages.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    A chaque nouvel étage, les qualités des hommes exposés augmentent au même titre que vous montez d’un étage.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Bien entendu, il y a un hic : vous devez choisir un homme sur l’étage, ou vous pouvez monter d’un étage, mais en aucun cas, vous ne pouvez redescendre d’un étage, sauf pour quitter le magasin.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Une femme entre donc dans le magasin pour trouver un mari :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            - Au premier étage, il y a un panneau sur la porte qui dit : Ces hommes ont un travail.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   - Au deuxième étage, il y un panneau sur la porte qui dit : Ces hommes ont un travail et aiment les enfants.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 - Au troisième étage, il y a un panneau sur la porte qui dit : Ces hommes ont un travail, aiment les enfants et ont particulièrement belle allure.
La femme se dit « waow? ». Mais elle sent instinctivement qu’elle doit continuer.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              - Elle arrive au quatrième étage et le panneau sur la porte dit :
Ces hommes ont un travail, aiment les enfants, ont particulièrement belle allure et aident aux travaux ménagers. « Oh mon Dieu, s’exclame-t’elle. Je peux à peine y croire ».
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      - Malgré tout, elle continue et monte au cinquième étage. Le panneau dit: Ces hommes ont un travail, aiment les enfants, ont particulièrement belle allure, aident aux travaux ménagers et sont très romantiques.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            - Elle hésite à rester… Mais monte quand même jusqu’au sixième étage.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Le panneau dit « Vous êtes le 31 456 012 visiteurs de cet étage. Il n’y a pas d’hommes à cet étage.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               "Cet étage n’existe que pour vous prouver que les femmes sont impossibles à contenter".
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Merci de votre passage au Magasin des Maris…

.

Dans un club de trompettistes, deux musiciens bavardent (un Marseillais et un Breton).
Tous les deux sont fiers de leur talent …                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Le Marseillais dit :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  – La semaine dernière j’ai joué un concerto dans Notre Dame de la Garde à Marseille devant 6.000 personnes ! J’ai tellement bien joué que j’ai fait pleurer la Vierge Marie.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Le breton réfléchit, puis répond :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          – Moi, hier j’ai joué devant plus de 10.000 personnes à la cathédrale de QUIMPER et à un moment, j’ai vu Jésus se décrocher de la croix et venir vers moi.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Alors là, je me suis arrêté de jouer, et dans un grand silence il s’est approché de moi et m’a dit à l'oreille :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       – Mon fils, je te préviens, tu as intérêt à bien jouer !
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Surpris je lui dis :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     – Mais oui Seigneur ! Mais pourquoi tu me dis cela ?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Et il m’a répondu :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   –  Eh bien la semaine dernière, lors d’un concert à Notre Dame de la Garde à Marseille , il y a un petit Marseillais prétentieux qui a tellement mal joué… qu’il a fait pleurer ma mère !

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Un petit garçon passe le week-end chez sa mamie, à la ferme. Elle lui montre le premier jour comment nourrir les poules. Le lendemain, elle le surprend en train de verser du cacao en poudre dans la nourriture. Surprise, elle lui demande :

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 - Mais que fais-tu ? Le cacao, c'est pour ton petit déjeuner !

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                - Je leur donne du cacao à manger mamie, comme ça, elles pourront pondre des oeufs en chocolat.

Une petite fille dit à sa mère :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             – Maman, hier alors que tu étais au bureau, papa est venu à la maison avec une femme, il l’a déposé sur ton lit et… La mère l’interrompt alors  :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            – Tiens, ma chérie tu vas nous terminer ce récit pendant le dîner, et devant tout le monde  !
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Le père rentre à la maison et toute la famille est à table, et la maman demande à sa fille  :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                – Alors ma chérie, c’est quoi l’histoire que tu voulais me raconter tout à l’heure ?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 La petite fille raconte son histoire  :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        – Oui maman, hier quand tu étais au bureau, papa a amené une femme sur ton lit, et il lui a fait la même chose que le voisin te fait, chaque samedi…

.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Si un jour, on te reproche que ton travail n'est pas vraiment professionnel, dis-toi bien que :

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   **des * des amateurs on construit l'arche de Noé,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          *et *  et des professionnels le Titanic !!!