.

La Bonne dit à son Curé :

" Monsieur le Curé, notre vin de messe est arrivé ! "
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Le Curé répond :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              " Marie, ce n’est pas NOTRE vin de messe puisque tu n’as pas le droit d’en boire, donc tu dois donc dire VOTRE vin de messe. Compris ? " 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Le lendemain Marie dit à son Curé :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            " Monsieur le Curé, votre bois de chauffage est arrivé ! "
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Le Curé dit :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       " Marie, tu dois dire NOTRE bois de chauffage puisque nous nous en servons tous les deux ! As-tu compris cette fois ? "                                                                                                                                                                                                       "Oui" dit Marie !  
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           " Est-ce tout pour aujourd’hui Marie ?  "
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             "Non",  répond la Bonne :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               " Monsieur le Curé, VOTRE braguette est ouverte et NOTRE quéquette est sortie "!

Le petit génie et le directeur d’école ...                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Le petit Thomas demande à sa maîtresse s’il peut lui parler après le cours. Elle accepte.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             La maîtresse : Alors, que veux-tu me dire, Thomas ?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Thomas : Je pense être trop intelligent pour rester dans cette classe, je m’embête ! Je voudrais passer directement au Lycée.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Sur ce, le directeur informé, demande à Thomas s’il veut bien passer des tests. Thomas accepte sans hésiter, le directeur débute les tests.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Le Directeur : Voyons voir Thomas, 3 x 4                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Thomas : Douze !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Le Directeur : Et 6 x 6
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Thomas : Trente six, Monsieur le Directeur.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Le Directeur : Capitale du Japon ?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Thomas : Tokyo
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Le test continue pendant une demi-heure, Thomas ne fait aucune erreur !A la fin du test, le directeur est satisfait mais, la prof demande si elle peut à son tour lui poser des questions. Tous deux acceptent, et la prof commence.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   La Maîtresse : Bon Thomas ! La vache, elle en a 4 et moi j’en ai 2, qu’est-ce que c’est ?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Thomas : Les jambes, Madame.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    La Maîtresse : Correct ... Qu’est-ce qu’on trouve dans tes pantalons et pas dans les miens ?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Le Directeur s’étonne de la question …
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Thomas : Des poches, Madame.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           La Maîtresse : Bien, Thomas. Qu’est-ce que les hommes et les femmes ont en plein milieu et qui est en double ?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Le directeur se prépare à intervenir lorsque Thomas répond.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Thomas : Les deux « M », Madame.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               La Maîtresse : Où est-ce que les femmes ont les poils les plus frisés ?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Thomas : En Afrique Madame, répond le gamin sans hésiter.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  La Maîtresse : Qu’est-ce qui est mou mais qui, aux mains d’une femme, devient dur ?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Le Directeur ouvre grands les yeux mais Thomas répond :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Le vernis à ongles, Madame.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
                               
Le Directeur n’en croit pas ses oreilles !
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     La Maîtresse : Quelle est la partie de mon corps qui est souvent la plus humide?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Thomas : Votre langue, Madame.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      La Maîtresse : Quel mot commençant par la lettre « C » désigne quelque chose qui peut être humide ou sec et que les hommes aiment regarder ?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Thomas : Le ciel ! Affirme Thomas.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Le Directeur soufflant, transpirant, décide d’arrêter le test et s’exclame :
- Ce n’est pas au lycée que je vais t’envoyer Thomas, mais directement à l’université ! Même moi, je n'aurais pas réussi ce test !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              " Morale de l’histoire : C’est avec l’âge que l’on devient pervers ! "

 Question de prix ...

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      A l’approche de son mariage, un homme va voir le curé et lui fait une offre particulière…                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        - Monsieur le curé, je vous offre 100 euros si vous apportez une petite modification à votre discours avant le mariage. Vous savez, la partie "être fidèle pour toujours" ? Si vous pouviez juste ne pas le dire, je vous refile l’argent tout de suite après le mariage.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Le Le curé accepte la proposition ... Le lendemain, c’est le grand mariage !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Le curé prononce son discours :                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             - Jurez-vous de l’honorer jusqu’à la mort, de la chérir et de lui être fidèle pour toujours ?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Le mari répond :                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  - Oui, je le jure. Il s’approche du curé et lui chuchote à l’oreille :                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   : - Je croyais que nous avions un arrangement !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Le Le curé alors de lui répondre :                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     - Votre femme m’a fait une meilleure offre !!!

                       Le lavoir et le curé ...

.

La fable du bénévole.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Un jour, un fleuriste se rendit chez le coiffeur pour se faire couper les cheveux. Après sa coupe, il demanda combien il devait.

Le coiffeur répondit: "c'est gratuit, je fais du bénévolat cette semaine".

Le fleuriste s'en alla tout content.

Le lendemain, en ouvrant sa boutique, le coiffeur trouva à sa porte une carte de remerciements et une douzaine de roses.

Plus tard, c'est le boulanger qui se présenta pour se faire couper les cheveux. Quand il demanda à payer, le coiffeur lui dit : "Je ne peux accepter d'argent, cette semaine, je fais du bénévolat".

Heureux, le boulanger s'en alla tout content.

Le lendemain, il déposa à la porte du coiffeur une demi-douzaine de croissants, avec un mot de remerciements.

Puis, ce fut le député du coin qui se présenta.

Lorsqu'il voulut payer, le coiffeur lui répondit : "Mais non, cette semaine c'est gratuit, je fais mon bénévolat !"

Très heureux de cette aubaine, le député quitta la boutique.

Le lendemain, quand le coiffeur arriva pour ouvrir, une douzaine de députés et de sénateurs attendaient en ligne pour se faire couper les cheveux gratuitement ...

Voilà, la différence fondamentale entre les citoyens de ce pays et les politiciens qui nous gouvernent.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Et il paraît que dans la file, il y avait même  des chauves !!!  ... Si, si !!!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Un type cherche une place assise dans la bibliothèque !
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Il demande à une jeune fille assise à une table :                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         -  ça vous ennuie si je m’assieds à côté de vous ?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Et la fille de répondre à très haute voix :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    -  "Non je ne veux pas passer la nuit avec vous  !"
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Tous les étudiants dans la bibliothèque regardent fixement le gaillard.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Il était très embarrassé et s’en alla vers une autre table.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Après quelques minutes, la fille vint calmement vers la table du gars et lui dit en riant :
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   -  "J’étudie la psycho et je sais à quoi pense un homme !
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Je Je suppose que ceci vous a embarrassé n’est-ce pas ? "
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Et notre gaillard de lui répondre à très haute voix :                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          - "800 € pour une nuit ? Mais c'est une véritable arnaque ! "
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Tous les étudiants présents regardent alors la fille en état de choc.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Et Et le gars de lui murmurer à l’oreille : - "j’étudie le droit" !