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Un Belge en voyage en Chine achète des lunettes révolutionnaires :

Elles permettent de voir complètement nues, les personnes habillées !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Il Il sort dans la rue et met ses lunettes : Il voit tout le monde à poil ... Il est en extase !
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Il enlève les lunettes : habillées.
                                                                                                                                                                                           Il remet les lunettes : nues.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          C'est incroyable !
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Dans l'avion du retour, il devient fou en voyant les hôtesses nues.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Avant d'entrer chez lui, il met ses lunettes pour voir sa femme toute nue.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Il ouvre la porte et voit sa femme et son meilleur ami assis sur le canapé, nus.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Il enlève les lunettes : ils sont toujours nus.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Il remet les lunettes : toujours nus
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Il enlève les lunettes : encore nus.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Furieux il hurle :
   
  " Saloperie de camelote chinoise, trois jours que je les ai et elles sont déjà foutues !"

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Cet élève a obtenu 0/20 à son contrôle, d'après moi il méritait 20/20, pour son humour!!!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    11. Votre oncle achète 12 bouteilles de vin à 6,80 €. Pour combien en a-t-il?

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Devant sa banque, un trader gare sa Porsche, flambant neuve, histoire de frimer devant ses collègues. 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Au moment où il commence à sortir de sa voiture, un camion arrive à toute allure et passe si près qu'il arrache la portière de la Porsche, puis disparaît. 
                                                                                                                                                                                        Le trader se rue sur son portable et appelle la police. 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Cinq minutes après les flics sont là. 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Avant même qu'un des policiers n'aient pu poser la moindre question, le trader commence à hurler : 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         - Ma superbe Porsche turbo est foutue. Quoi que fassent les carrossiers, ce ne sera plus jamais la même ! Elle est foutue, elle est foutue ! 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Quand il semble avoir enfin fini sa crise, le policier hoche la tête avec dépit et dit : 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      - C'est absolument incroyable à quel point, vous autres banquiers, vous êtes matérialistes ! 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Vous êtes si concentrés sur vos biens que vous ne pensez à rien d'autre dans la vie. 
 
 
- Comment pouvez-vous dire une chose pareille à un moment pareil, sanglote alors le propriétaire de la Porsche. 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Le policier répond : 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       - Vous n'avez même pas remarqué que votre avant-bras gauche a été arraché quand le camion vous a heurté ... 
 
  Le banquier regarde son bras avec horreur et hurle : 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  - Putain, ma Rolex !!! 

Love !!!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               C'est un petit garçon qui demande à son grand-papa :
– Dis, papy, toi qui as bien vécu, c’est quoi pour toi l’amour ?

Le papy de 80 ans :
– C’est simple !
à 20 ans, c’est MMS
à 40 ans, c’est MMS
à 60 ans, c’est MMS
et à 80 ans, c’est toujours MMS.

– Tu peux m’expliquer, Papy ?

– Bien sûr :
à 20 ans, c’est Matin Midi et Soir,
à 40 ans, c’est Mardi Mercredi et Samedi
à 60 ans c’est Mars Mai et Septembre
et à 80 ans, c’est … Mes Meilleurs Souvenirs !

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Un vieil homme de 80 ans va voir son docteur pour son check-up annuel.

Le doc lui demande comment vont les choses.

– Je suis en pleine forme, je sors avec une jeune de 18 ans et je l’ai mise enceinte … Qu’est-ce que vous pensez de ça docteur ?

– Laissez-moi vous raconter une histoire vraie. J’ai un ami qui est un passionné de chasse, il n’a jamais manqué une saison. Un jour, alors qu’il s’en allait chasser et qu’il était pressé, il se trompa et au lieu de prendre son fusil, il prit son parapluie.
                                                                                                                                                                                                     Alors qu’il se trouvait dans la forêt, il aperçut un grizzly qui fonçait sur lui. Il saisit son parapluie, l’épaula et appuya sur la poignée. Savez-vous alors ce qu’il s’est passé ?
                                                                                                                                                                                                – Non.
                                                                                                                                                                   – Et bien le grizzly tomba raide mort a ses pieds !
                                                                                                                                                                                                  – C’est impossible, s’insurgea le vieillard. Quelqu’un a dû tirer à sa place ?
                                                                                                                                                                                       – C’est exactement là où je voulais en venir  …

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